


And the cruelest of these is love

by raspberryhunter



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Diaper changing, Donkeyskin, F/M, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-02-11
Updated: 2012-02-11
Packaged: 2017-10-30 22:44:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,566
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/337011
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/raspberryhunter/pseuds/raspberryhunter
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Queen knows what love is.</p>
            </blockquote>





	And the cruelest of these is love

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to liuzhia for a very helpful beta! Canon-compliant through 1x11, although I imagine at some point subsequent events will render it non-compliant. Major spoilers for 1x07, "The Heart is a Lonely Hunter."
> 
> ETA (4-23-12): Indeed, non-compliant as of 1x18, "The Stable Boy." However, I'm pleased that I didn't get totally jossed on this one; the basic idea is actually still the same. (As opposed to "The Return," which I'm bitter about!)

Emma looks past Regina, into the house where Henry has gone. "Do you love him?" she asks.

(Do you know what love is? Rumplestiltskin asks the Queen, the apple in his hand.)

*

Once upon a time, there lived a king as handsome as the sun and a queen as beautiful as the moon. Their love was as beautiful as the stars, and in due time the queen bore a daughter.

But instead of growing strong after the child's birth, the queen became weaker and weaker. Finally she called her husband to her. "For the love we bear each other," said the queen, "I would ask you to vow that you will never marry another woman, never bed another, who is not as beautiful as I."

The king, haggard from many days at the queen's side, caught her hands in his. "For our love's sake, I vow it," he said. And the queen, smiling, died.

As the king's daughter grew up, she had nursemaids and governnesses and tutors aplenty, and her father lavished on her any material thing she could desire; but for his own part, he could not forget that the girl's life had cost the queen hers, and his daughter had neither tender look nor word of love from him all the years of her childhood.

And then came the day the king's daughter came to womanhood. On that day she walked in the gardens, and the king saw her and thought it was his wife come again, for her face and body mirrored the dead queen's. 

When the king came to her, the girl hesitated. "If you truly love me," she said, "bring me the skin of the marvelous donkey you have had since childhood, the one whose droppings are gold, the donkey you love as your own kin and who drinks from your own bowl."

That evening he brought the skin to her. "I loved that donkey," said the king, "and now I bring you its dead body, to show my love for you. And now that I have done this for you, you must show your love for me."

And so, on that night, and on subsequent nights, the king's daughter indeed had her father's love, as her mother before her, and after the long years pining for his love, she could do naught but love him back.

But eventually, the king's deeds were discovered, and the public outcry forced him from the kingship. The daughter ascended to the throne and became Queen in his place. 

She still loved her father, and therefore, instead of beheading or exile, the new Queen instead decreed that her father would be her servant, and all the people proclaimed their Queen's generosity and mercy. And they all lived happily ever after.

And the Queen loved her father so much that when, years later, a curse demanded the slaying of the one she loved most, she knew where to turn.

*

Regina remembered how distraught she had been as Henry's temperature had climbed and climbed, the way she had wrung her hands over the crib, and the relief at which she had accepted the antibiotics from the doctor. She supposed that constant diarrhea was preferable to that worry.

Then again, maybe not, she thought, listening to Henry scream for the fourth time that night.

She staggered out of bed, went to Henry's crib. His fists were balled, his eyes were screwed shut, and he was screaming as if his life depended on it. "Only your diaper, Henry," Regina snapped.

And the sheets, as it turned out. Which meant his onesie would probably not even be salvageable. Regina briefly knocked her head against the wall, groaning with frustration and fatigue. She managed to change both him and the crib sheets without too much incident. Thankfully, the clean diaper had calmed him, and his eyes were starting to close. "No one warned me about this part," Regina grumbled, and drew one finger across his soft cheek. He opened his eyes and smiled sleepily at her before closing them again.

"That's what you say now," Regina snorted, but she did ruffle his hair briefly before she turned to look for a clean onesie.

She dropped the soiled onesie and sheets in the laundry room sink to soak. One more thing to deal with in the morning before the Council meeting, but she was as sure as hell not going to do it now. She washed her hands and fell into bed.

The fifth time he woke screaming, she did it all over again, slightly more tired and slightly more grim. Because she was Henry's mom.

*

(The Queen is silent.)

"Henry," Emma persists. "Do you love him?"

(Rumplestiltskin has a slight smile on his face as he turns the apple around and around, waiting for her answer.)

*

Twenty-eight years they had been together, Regina thought. That was a long time, even if almost all of it had been the same, week by week, the sheriff obediently answering her summons, Regina telling him how she wanted to be touched, Graham complying, his eyes blank. Still, twenty-eight years. That was something.

But today was new: Graham coming to her for the first time without her order, backing her up against the door, touching her, and for just a second she thought, perhaps this means something.

"I need to feel," Graham murmured, pressing against her, kissing her relentlessly, unbuttoning her blouse, her pants. "Tell me you feel something. Tell me there is something there. Tell me you love me." And that, too, was new.

"Yes," Regina said, thinking, this will be what it means, as he slid into her, slick and hard and -- "I do, I love you --" the two of them moving together, this, this, _this_.

The next day, after he had left her for the Swan woman -- _I need to feel something_ \-- as if that blonde hussy could give him what he needed! -- Regina stalked down to her vault. She drew out his heart and held it in her hand, considering.

And squeezed.

And dropped the ashes of the broken heart.

And left, without looking back.

*

Regina hurried down the sidewalk. That book. Where had Blanchard found that book?

 _You're not my mother_ , Henry had shouted. _Not my_ real _mother_.

"Mayor!" she heard, and looking up, she saw Mr. Gold limping towards her. "My dear Mayor," he said, "where are you going in such a hurry that you are endangering innocent passersby? Please do tell me."

Regina scowled at him. One of these days, oh, she was going to find out what he knew... "It's just Henry. We had a fight about a book his teacher gave him. And it escalated to where he was whining for his biological mother and calling me names. I'm just taking a walk to cool off. Nothing for you to be concerned about. At all."

 _You can't tell me what to do, because you're evil!_ Henry had cried.

Mr. Gold paused. "Now, Regina," he said delicately, "I don't tell people this as a general rule, but ... I don't simply find adoptive homes for babies. I can, you understand, match up children of all ages." He shrugged. "For older children, the options are limited, but I can usually find something... more or less suitable."

Regina stared at him. It took her a minute to process what he was saying, and as it sank in, she recoiled. "No." She stabbed her finger at his chest. "No, no, no. What could have possessed you to even suggest such a thing? I am not giving Henry up. Especially to you. Henry and I have just had a fight, that's all."

"In which he insulted you," Gold pointed out. "In which he repudiated you as a mother. And didn't I hear that he tried running away not too long ago?"

_I hate you. I'm going to find my real mother._

"Look, Gold," Regina said wearily, "it doesn't matter what kind of names he calls me, whether he thinks I'm not his mother, whether he leaves me to find his biological mother, or whether he decides he really does hate me. He is still my son, and I'm going to do my best by him no matter what he does. And I don't want you coming around with your insinuations about letting him go or giving him up to some unknown horrible fate."

Gold turned his palm up in a gesture of acquiescence. "For this, your wish is my command," he said. He tilted his head slightly. "Regina -- I'd like to ask you a question. It is something I ask many people; I find their responses informative. Do you know what love is?"

Regina blinked. "You are ridiculous," she said shortly, turning on her heel and striding back along the street, back to her house. Back to Henry.

*

(I know what love is, the Queen says to Rumplestiltskin. Love destroys what it touches. Love devours itself. What one loves, one kills.

Rumplestiltskin places the apple in the Queen's hands, his smile gone. He gives her a deep bow, steps back, and vanishes.)

"Of course I love him," the Mayor says coldly to Emma. She knows that is what Emma wants to hear, little fool that she is. In the Mayor's head, Mr. Gold's voice (Rumplestiltskin's voice) echoes: do you know what love is?

Regina does know.

She does not, will not, love Henry.

**Author's Note:**

> Notes: The title is a quotation from _Habitation of the Blessed_ by Catherynne Valente. The Donkeyskin portion of the story also owes a debt to both Robin McKinley's _Deerskin_ and Jane Yolen's "Allerleirauh."


End file.
